It's Jackie Smiles

It’s been about a month, I waited a while before posting this as I wasn’t in a very good headspace nor did I really understand why I was so distraught over the loss of someone I’d known in my early young adult life but never met before. To be quite honest I probably need a little longer to process these emotions, but I wanted to get them out or I fear I never will.

I am, to my very core, a die-hard One Direction fan, I had a little bit of an unhealthy obsession with the band. I followed their every move through social media, bought every CD, bought the fragrances and book, I was a devoted follower, you can probably imagine how devastating it was for me when they decided to split and follow their own individual music careers.

Truthfully, I was never a big Liam girl, he wasn’t even my favorite member. I always thought he was the uptight “dad” of the group when he should’ve just had fun with it. I can see now that I labeled him far too soon and didn’t realize that he was the most serious about his music career because he knew it would change so many lives, save them even. It was always fun to watch all the boys, Liam especially, on stage living out their dreams. All the interviews, all the music videos, the book, the movie. Everything that had to do with the band was consumed by fans like me. I wanted to know everything. To be closer to them somehow, in someway.

Now that he’s gone, this heavy feeling in my chest started to form and it won’t go away. Everyday it gets heavier and heavier. Liam wasn’t someone I knew on any kind of personal level but he was someone who changed my life for the better. I am the person I am today because those five boys were in a band and made cheesy, cringey music that I still listen to every now and then. Music that teenage me really needed at the time. To feel beautiful, to feel loved, to know that everything was going to be okay and I should just live my life without regrets.

Liam’s passing makes me think long and hard about what I really want to be doing. A life cut short because of an accident that could’ve been prevented in a number of ways. Starting with treating mental health as serious as it actually is. No matter how much you think you know the signs, you don’t. The human species are the most unpredictable and elusive all because of the way their brain functions. Not to mention pairing that fact with the addition of narcotics and alcohol. Sobriety was something Liam was on the road to but ultimately a vice’s grip can be deadly.

He was never supposed to die so young, no one should ever be buried by their parents. I truly hope wherever he is he’s finally at peace.

LJP

Dear Liam, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for having a dream so much bigger than yourself, for pursuing that dream without hesitation, the joy you brought to so many will never be forgotten. The fact that so many people are grieving right now should be proof enough of the impact you had. You were so loved Liam. By family and friends, and especially your fans. I’m so sorry this world made you feel like you weren’t. Everything you contributed whether it was big or small made a difference in someone’s life. I wish you were praised more often, I wish you were recognized more for your talents. I wish you had seeked more help, or that someone would’ve forcibly made you get it. I wish you were around to receive the hugs so many people regret not giving you.

There’s nowhere on this earth people wont not look for you. They’re going to see you in everything that reminds them of the feelings you brought them. Whether they were happy or sad feelings, to know of you was to love you, Liam.

I never would’ve thought you’d be the first one we say goodbye to but I hope you rest peacefully until the spaces between us finally close and we can all be together in paradise.

That’s all for now, stay hopeful, and find a way to keep smiling.